JOHN DOE(NN LICE) (part)
Nikola Kitanovic, page of his novels. Nikola Kitanovic have published five novels.
Nikola Kitanovic, present part of his novel John Doe - modern, postmodern after-postmodern novel, fiction, gods, demons, warriors of the light, love novel, novel of new concept of bering
I haven't slept all night. I dreamt awake I was in total control of the state of my dream. A sage entered my dream, or is it better to say that I dived into eternity. I realized that dreams are not needed here. Everything that might be a dream or daydreaming, was not needed here, because it was the higher and deeper state, deeper than ideals, deeper than anything. The sage was watching me calmly and I think there was something victorious in his eye.
• You brought me here only to shatter my dream that I will one day find out who I really am.
There was a deliberate hint of rebuke in my voice. He was still silent, which made me even more irritable. Then he stopped the silence.
• To find out who you used to be or who you really are? Which one are you talking about? If you reveal the first dream, you will see the banality and forget about the dream of eternity, you'll forget everything. If you reveal the second dream, then you will accomplish your mission as a human being.
• I don't care, I want to find out about the first one first.
• I shall not tell you that, for your not chosen for that. You have been chosen for something completely different.
• Your master told you that?
Yes, he told me about it and it is a great joy.
• I think I smell fanaticism, again. I do not wish to be the one who blindly believes in something.
• Nobody wants you to.
Why are you saying these things like that, then?
That is what you should find out.
• Wait. You claim that you and I are one. And you know the answer and I don't. How are we one, then??
• You and I are one, I know the answer which means that you know it too, but this knowledge doesn't reach your consciousness. Start thinking with your being, and not only with your reason and spirit... Now we shall go even deeper. Touch my hand and when you do that you will start thinking with your own being.
I touched the sage's hand. How to describe my thoughts now? Every thought is manifested in words, right? But, if the word in that same moment materializes itself, becomes a solid thing and the universal principal, how to describe that? So, for example, I think about a tree. Then, all that exists is a tree, the whole universe, eternity and myself. I am a real and tangible tree.
- Well, then you should look for a bodyguard.
What is a tree, then? I experienced a tree and every further description is excessive. I knew that every single thing can be both me and the universal principal in the same time. Every word can be solid and very directly, experiential, and every word is a principle. When being described, these seem like oppositions. However, in a direct experience there are no oppositions.
• The morning has dawned in your real world, maybe it's time for you to go back?
• I am not sure whether to go back at all. Of course, it doesn't mean that I am attracted to this side too much. We've got one pattern there and there are some other patterns here. Everyday someone gets killed there, I always drink my morning coffee, sometimes my mother drops by, sometimes beings form the parallel world come and that's all. Here, on the other hand, I am doomed to listening to you, to trust you always and everything you say. Moreover, I have to ask for a permission if I want to ask you anything at all. Despair rules over there, and sheer faith over here, these are not my worlds, I feel like in prison, like in room without an exit. I know, you always have your interpretations of all this..... I have to admit that I find them irritating lately. I am beginning to feel strong resistance towards you, and at the same time, resistance that I feel towards the world I live in, is even stronger. I feel like I have to choose between to bad things.... Tell your master I don't want to see him.... Too many enigmas are involved in my life, they come one after another, and there is no sign of an answer.... Yes, I am depressed... Deeply depressed.... Anyway, I am going now, I may come again, but I don't promise.
• In future you needn't ask me for the permission to ask me questions. You can always call me and ask me anything you want.
I said good-bye to the sage and came back to my room. I was sitting in the chair, by the table on which there was a book. I was about to open the book and start to read, but then I saw my mother in the room. I really don't know how she manages to come in unnoticed. But, there she was.
• How do you like this book, mum?
• Which book, son?
• This one, I am holding in my hands.
• I just see folded hands in which there is nothing.
• Here, take it in your own hands.
• You must be kidding me?
• I am absolutely serious.
• You, my son, are not holding anything in your hand. I don't see any book.
• How come? I can see it and I am reading it. Here, I am holding it tightly in my hand, and you don't see it. One of us is hallucinating.
• Maybe you just wish to have a book in your hand.
• Mother, I was reading it! It is the real book.
• That is not possible.
• Why?
• Don't ask me that.
I knew that she was going to tell me that. I felt nervousness in the air. I wanted to be alone.
• So, who got killed today?
• Don't joke with things like that.... Last night a girl in the near-by street was kidnapped and her parents are blackmailed... As a confirmation that they've got the girl, they cut her ears and left hand and sent it to her parents. These are not the things you should joke around with and be ironic about.
• Sorry, I am very nervous today... You know I love you, mum?
• I know son... You have always been a good son. Your irony and sense of humor have always been just words and nothing else. Your soul has always been noble... I brought you an apple and made you some coffee.
• The sweet one, again?
• No, this time I made it just as you like it.
I was sipping my coffee and watching my mother. She was sad, like she was carrying the burden of overall existence on her shoulders. Slowly, trying to stay unnoticed, I dived into her. There was nothing but sorrow in her, sorrow like a cosmic principle and everything I saw were just contours, since everything was wrapped with dark, sticky fog.
I started to touch her inner self and to transform that sorrow and fog into light and hope. When I realized that i enlightened her, I came back and noticed that she was in a much better mood. I was glad.
• Maybe its a sin, but every time I get here, I feel great relief. I know there is no hope, but sometimes I feel like I live in the times when I had it.
• It seems that everyone recalls certain 'good old' times when the life was better. I am the only one who doesn't remember those times. You, who remember, at least you had some hope. I don't remember anything and don't know what to hope for. This is not an irony.
• I know it isn't. That is your truth.
• I heard many general words, lately. Words, like: truth, knowledge, belief, hope and many other. From day to day these words are loosing their sense for me.
• I know, son.
• You know?
• Yes, I think I know. Of course, you can never be sure in your knowledge or belief.
• So, what kind of knowledge or belief is that, if you can never be sure in it?
• That's man's destiny.
• I can't accept it.
• You can or you don't have to, but that's the way it is. I could never accept my destiny, but I couldn't escape it.
• Are you saying that you knew your destiny?
• Not that. I think of my present state.
• Which state?
• Don't ask that.
I knew it. I knew she was going to answer like that. I wanted to talk to her about that. But, she stood up, kissed me and just vanished.... I was confused; my sage wants me to believe something, although he says that is not like that, my mother doesn't see the book I am holding in my hands.
I took the book again and started to read. 'Knowledge is manifested through belief or dis-belief. What we really know is confirmed through the true signposts towards oneself, everything else is deceit. Destiny is also deceit, it is a matter of the personal truth and choice, but that is not the Knowledge. All-knowing holy sage, who represents himself as the master of your master is not a master; he is the one who creates, changes, helps, enlightens and when needed, he punishes the darkness. He doesn't punish the people, but he punishes the demons. He is the Holy Warrior, who can show you skills which you never dreamed of. If he chooses you, that's a privilege, because he leads you the way towards the Knowledge beyond Knowledge. Those states exist, too. If you refuse him, forget to have read this passage.' I closed the book and started to repeat calmly:
• Ahmed harim, ahmed harim, ahmed harim...
• My room started to disappear before my eyes. I realized I was sitting on a very small island in a faraway sea. The one who told me to be the master of my master, has appeared.
• You called me?
• Yes....
• You don't have to ask me for the permission to ask questions. Go ahead and ask.
• How should I address you?
• I have many names, you can choose one yourself.
• The Guard.
• Excellent! That's a great answer.
• Does that mean I named you correctly?
• That means that you determined your mission very precisely. I should teach you skills of how to become the Holy Guard.... But you can also call me a guard.
• Although you are not one?
• I can be that for you.
He was really playing and enjoying the water around him. There was some kind of pure, genuine beauty, almost child-like, in his game.
• You want to become a Guard?
• I do.
• Beware, here we have completely different rules. I will teach you and command. Every command must be obeyed.
• It looks like a fanaticism to me.
• We can talk about that. But first you have to forget about everything you were taught by your master. Here is one reason for that. If everything is nothing, even with capital "N" and if everything is one, then, there is no good and evil. Is killing children, innocent people and similar things the same as doing good to people?
• You're right.
• Have in mind that the teaching of your master, on the level of nothing, is completely correct. But you should learn something else, now. Your path is being redirected.
• But there isn't anything beyond nothing.
• You should forget that. When the time comes you will learn that there is something beyond nothing. This was enough for one day. Before I leave, I want to tell you the following: stop searching for yourself, because doing that so persistently, means violence against oneself; the one who always uses the right way will eventually achieve his goal.
His image started to disappear, the water withdrew and I was in my flat again. I was delighted with my new master.
